Never Again
by HeatherOnTheHill
Summary: Why has the Doctor sworn that he'll never, ever go to another one of Jack's stag parties?


This is a follow-up about the brief mention of Jack's stag party in "The B&B Treatment." I had lots of requests asking for more, so here you go! This story features a brief cameo of Ianto, for a fun little_ Torchwood _crossover. Enjoy!

Never Again

The doors of the TARDIS flew open with an enormous crash. A figure in an impressive brown flapping duster coat would have made a graceful entrance if he hadn't managed to trip on the threshold and fall sprawling onto the floor of the control room with a loud, "Oof!"

The redheaded woman just behind him promptly caught her foot on the man's long legs and lost her balance, crashing down onto his back with an indignant, "Oi!"

She was followed by a second male figure sporting an equally impressive flapping coat, this one blue with military captain's bars on the shoulders. The man managed to skid to a stop in the doorway of the TARDIS. He smirked, gave a little shrug, and yelled, "Whoops!" before deliberately falling onto the redhead's back. "Woohoo!" the captain hooted happily. "Doctor, we got us a Donna sammich!"

There was an an irritated grunt from the Doctor on the bottom of the pile before his strangled voice said, "Gerrof me, you lot!"

"Hands...hands!" shrieked the redheaded Donna. "Jack!"

"Sorry about that," Captain Jack apologized as he rolled off of her. He glanced out the door and saw the advancing form of the Crown Prince of Ragatoo's Imperial Army (3rd Battalion) bearing down on them. He flew to his feet and slammed the TARDIS doors shut in their faces. Seconds later, the sound of several dozen pairs of angry fists beat on the doors, but Jack ignored them and turned to look down at his two compatriots.

The Doctor was just getting to his feet and shot him a furious glare. Jack knew that glare pretty well by now. "What?" the captain asked, trying to look innocent.

"You kissed the Crown Prince's betrothed, Jack!" the Doctor accused him.

"How was I supposed to know she was a future princess?" Jack asked.

"She was wearing her betrothal outfit! Wasn't it obvious?"

Jack scratched his head. "I did wonder why she was the only girl in the place wearing a bikini."

"You also flirted with the Grand High General!" Donna added.

"I have a thing for guys with purple hair and military uniforms, what can I say?"

The Doctor shook his head and yanked his coat off, throwing it over the closest u-shaped column. Donna wondered why he didn't use the coat rack more often. It was standing right there by the door...vibrating from the energetic assault on the doors. The Doctor strode up to the central console and he began entering coordinates for their next destination. "Part of me wishes that you'd just settle down for once with a nice...whatever," he shot at Jack.

"Funny you should mention that, Doctor, because I'm thinking of getting married," Jack said as he also went up the ramp and flopped into the jump seats.

"Again," the Doctor mumbled as he flipped a few switches.

Jack flashed a grin at Donna and mouthed, "Watch this." Donna crossed her arms, quirked an eyebrow, and looked at the Doctor. "So, you know...that means a stag party."

The Doctor's hands stilled and he turned to look at Jack, his expression serious. "No."

"No, I can't have one or..."

"No, I won't come."

"Oh, come on! It's not a party without my favorite Time Lord!"

"I'm the _only _Time Lord, Jack, so I'm your favorite by default. As you humans say, 'been there, done that, got the t-shirt.'"

"There weren't any t-shirts at my last stag. That was the one before...I think. Hard to remember because there's been so many."

"I think you just like getting married because of the stag nights," the Doctor quipped, turning to look at the display on the console.

"Ouch! You found me out!" Jack laughed.

"How come you're so reluctant to go to Jack's stag?" asked Donna, who had been watching the whole exchange with amusement. "It's just a party, Doctor. What's the matter? Too high and mighty to get down and shake your thing with a couple of rowdy males and possibly a girl in a skimpy outfit?"

"There's _always_ a girl in a skimpy outfit," Jack winked at her. "Usually at least two. And some guys as well. I'm not picky."

"We know," the Doctor said evenly. "I swore off stag parties after the last one you dragged me to." He looked up as the time rotor began to churn, sending them off into the vortex. The room suddenly became quieter as the ship disappeared and the beatings on the doors ceased. "Wait, let me clarify. I swore off _your_ stags. Anyone else's are tame compared to yours."

"What happened?" Donna asked.

Jack busted into peals of laughter and the Doctor actually turned bright red in embarrassment. "Well, it was in Hamburg..."

"Captain!" bellowed the Doctor, turning around and giving him a serious enough glare that Jack's laughter stilled. The two stared at each other for a long moment before the Doctor said with measured control, "I'd rather not remember that night, thank you."

"Understood, Doctor," Jack replied.

There was an uncomfortable silence as the Doctor sniffed and said, "Good. I've sent the TARDIS into stasis in the vortex, so we're in a holding pattern until we choose another destination. I figured we've had enough adventures for one day and you both could use some rest." His eyes pointedly flickered towards the corridor and it was clear to Donna and Jack that he was politely saying, "Bugger off, I want to be alone."

"Right, yeah," Donna muttered as she shifted towards the exit. "So good night, Doctor. 'Night, Jack."

Jack caught up with her a few seconds later as she headed for her room. "Don't you want to know what happened?" he whispered.

"Dying to know."

"Meet me in the Library in twenty minutes," Jack told her.

"If you bring tea and Jammy Dodgers," she answered.

"You got it."

Donna went to her room and changed into green and red plaid pajamas that her grandad had given her for Christmas before she headed for the Library. As usual, there was a roaring fire in the fireplace and Donna flopped happily into the overstuffed burgundy sofa that sat in front of the fire. She drew a huge knitted purple afghan over herself. Jack came into the room carrying a tray laden with two mugs of steaming tea and a plate of biscuits. He set the tray down on a table and held a finger up to his lips before walking off to check all the nearby nooks and crannies of the Library.

"Wanted to make sure that the Doctor isn't around," Jack explained as he came back over and settled on the couch next to her. "He likes to lurk in here sometimes when he's in a bad mood."

"Did you check his study?" Donna asked, glancing at the closed door set in the high wooden wainscoting nearby.

"I don't think I've ever seen him go in there," Jack commented, stealing part of the afghan from her.

"Oi!"

"Share and share alike." Jack handed her a mug of tea and a biscuit, which she dipped into the tea before popping it into her mouth.

"So what happened in Hamburg?" she asked.

Jack sipped his tea and smiled in memory. "It was last year. I'd met these twins while on a mission in Germany and we all decided to get married. Maybe it was because we'd seen _Cabaret_ the night before, I'm not too sure. Anyway, I insisted on having a stag party first and I wanted the Doctor to come. I called up Martha, this was when she was still traveling with him, and..."

* * *

Martha stared in the shop window at the Doctor as he gestured emphatically, clicking his tongue and hopping down on one foot. The natives didn't speak English, or any known oral language because they physically lacked vocal organs. Visitors to their world were forced to communicate through a series of clicks and whistles and body language. She wasn't sure if he was trying to buy an anti-gravity skateboard or a cappuccino. It seemed like the shop sold both, along with a device that looked suspiciously like a lava lamp. Martha turned away from the window to look at the marketplace. This was, by far, one of the weirdest planets he'd taken her to. Species of dozens of different worlds were present, though most of them were ostensibly the natives of this planet: tall, grub-like creatures whom the Doctor insisted were peaceful. Martha couldn't help but feel a little apprehensive at something taller than her that looked like it belonged in her back garden at home. She appeared to be the only human.

Martha was startled when her phone suddenly began to ring. She tugged the phone out of her pocket and flipped it open, wondering who would bother to call her. The phone rarely rang these days, unless it was her mother checking up on her. "Hello?"

"Martha Jones!" she heard Captain Jack's merry voice bellow into her ear. Martha grimaced and pulled the phone away from her ear.

"Hi, Jack!"

"What's up? Where are you these days?"

"Um..." Martha thought. "I think it's called Gdorsibonk in our language."

"Gdorsibonk?! Really?" Jack's voice suddenly got a little wistful. "I dated a guy from Gdorsibonk once. Hell of a kisser."

Martha looked around at the grub-people and tried not to lose her lunch. "Please tell me you're joking."

There was a pause. "I should probably mention that 'from' means he lived there. You're not thinking I jumped into the sack with one of those giant grubs?"

"The thought crossed my mind, unfortunately."

"Oh hell no...never could figure out where their..." Jack cleared his throat, "anyway, never mind. Where's the Doctor?"

Martha turned her head and looked back through the shop window. The Doctor was just affecting a triple pirouette finished with very enthusiastic jazz hands. The grub shopkeeper didn't look impressed. "He's either buying coffee or auditioning for _Cats._"

"I'd guess the former, knowing Gdorsibonk. Look, I really need your help getting married..."

"No," Martha promptly replied.

"Did you think I meant you?" Jack answered and there was a slight giggle. "Now there's a thought..."

"No."

"Right, sure. What I meant was that I'm getting married and I want the Doctor to come to my bachelor party, but I need your help getting him there."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Tell him you want to go back to earth. You've always wanted to see Hamburg."

"Hamburg."

"Yes, the twins are German."

Martha shook her head, sure that she heard wrong. "Twins, Jack?" she asked warily.

"Damn sexy twins. The party is tomorrow night, the sixteenth of November, nine o'clock. Kraus' Karaoke Bar."

"A karaoke bar," she repeated flatly. "Really, Jack."

"Hey, don't look at me! Ianto planned all of it, he's my best man. I'll text you the address."

Martha sighed, but she was smiling. "I'll do my best. You're barmy, you know that?"

"Sure do! Thanks, Martha. See you soon!"

"Bye, Jack." Martha hung up the phone and it chirped a moment later as she got Jack's text message. The Doctor emerged from the shop carrying two cups of coffee and a bright red lava lamp under one arm. He was pouting. "What's wrong?" she asked.

The Doctor handed Martha her coffee and sniffed. "The shopkeeper says my accent is terrible."

"Perhaps you needed a few more grande jetes," she offered. "Maybe a pas de chat?"

"Don't be silly," the Doctor replied. "That's what they speak on the other side of the planet. More leaping, less twirling over there." He twirled one finger in the air in demonstration before sipping his coffee. "Come on, I've had enough of Gdorsibonk. Allons-y!"

Martha followed him down the busy street. "What's the lava lamp for, Doctor?" she asked.

"Oh this thing?" he looked at it. "It's not a lava lamp, though it does emit radiant energy. It's great for setting hair."

She eyed his usual helter-skelter hairdo. "Finally trying to calm that mess down?"

"What? No! Mine broke so I had to get this new one. I use it to keep my..." He raised an eyebrow at her, "Wait, Martha, what do you mean by 'mess'?"

"Oh...nothing," she said innocently as she unlocked the TARDIS door and stepped inside.

The Doctor followed her to the console, dumping the lava lamp/hair dryer onto the jump seat. "Where do you want to go next?" he asked, placing his coffee cup in the convenient cup holders that appeared. Martha settled hers in the holder as well.

"Hamburg," Martha replied.

The Doctor looked surprised. "Why Hamburg?"

"Oh, I don't know. I've always wanted to go to Germany."

"You have all of time and space at your disposal and you want to go to Germany?"

"Yes, the sixteenth of November of this year, evening, to be precise. This address."

She showed him the text message and he looked skeptical. "That's rather specific, isn't it?"

"Our presence has been requested." She crossed her arms and grinned at him. "Please, Doctor? Humor me?"

"Well, since you asked so nicely..." he returned her grin and started shoving levers and pushing buttons, sending the TARDIS into the time vortex.

They landed a few minutes later and the Doctor grabbed his coffee and bounded down the ramp to yank the doors open. "Here you are, Miss Jones! Hamburg!" he announced, glancing outside to make sure that they didn't accidentally wind up on Mercury. Again.

Martha also snagged her coffee and was glad for the warmth in her hands as she stepped out into the busy street. The Doctor followed her, prattling on and on about the history of Hamburg while Martha looked around and found the karaoke bar. She wandered over to it and Jack was waiting outside. He wasn't wearing his usual blue captain's coat for once, though he still wore his vortex manipulator on his left wrist. Instead, he was dressed in jeans and a fitted blue t-shirt that matched his eyes. He grinned and waved when he spotted them.

"...Medieval Hamburg was a member of the Hanseatic League..." the Doctor lectured as he wobbled to a stop next to her and then suddenly saw Jack. "Captain?" he asked, looking around in confusion. "What are you..."

"I'm getting married!" Jack busted out and grabbed the Time Lord up in a huge manly bear hug.

The Doctor squeaked in alarm as he was suddenly lifted off his feet. "Congrat...congratulations," he managed to get out before Jack put him down.

"Martha!" Jack grabbed up Martha and she chuckled as she was hauled off her feet. "Thanks," he whispered in her ear. "I'll send you photos."

"You'd better," she whispered back.

As Jack put her down, the Doctor jerked his thumb at the karaoke bar. "This hardly looks like a wedding chapel, Jack. Believe me, I've been to a few."

"So have I," Jack replied smoothly. "The wedding's tomorrow. My stag party's here and you're coming, Doctor."

The Doctor's brown eyes grew huge and round and his eyebrows nearly disappeared into his hairline. "No!"

"Oh, come on!" Jack cajoled. "I wouldn't dream of ending my bachelor days without the sexiest Time Lord in existence at my side! It'll be fun!"

Ianto suddenly stuck his head of out the door. He was wearing an impeccably tailored brightly colored Hawaiian shirt and had on a purple lei. A deep baritone voice could be heard wailing "My Heart Will Go On" in the background. "Sir," he said, "I believe the...ahem...female entertainment has arrived."

"Great!" Jack replied. "Come on, Doctor!"

Martha couldn't help but bust into giggles at the shell-shocked look on the Doctor's face as both Jack and Ianto grabbed him by the arms and dragged him into the bar. He shot one last look at her, a mixture of both irate anger and a plead for help. "Have fun, boys!" she called, waving a little before heading back to the TARDIS to catch up on her soaps and settle in with a glass of wine.

* * *

Hours later, the doors of the TARDIS swung open. The Doctor stumbled into the room. His tie was fastened around his forehead and flapped and waved over his right ear. He had somehow acquired green Lennon glasses. His shirt was half-undone and Martha spotted lots of lipstick marks on his face and neck. There was a bright green and yellow lei around his neck. "Well, hello party animal!"

"Marthaaaaaaaaa!" the Doctor sang, staggering up to her. He grabbed her hands and attempted to sweep her up into a dance, but only succeeded in stumbling over his own feet. "Marthamarthamartha..."

"Doctor," Martha said, holding back laughter. "I do believe you're intoxicated."

"Intoxicate!" the Doctor bellowed in a monotone voice. "Wouldn't it be great if the Daleks shouted that instead? Now there's an idea. Drunk Daleks! Can Daleks get drunk, d'ye think?" He wobbled a little and then flapped a hand towards the door. "Where are my manners? Mar...Martha, meet Hans and Deiter...or maybe that's Deiter and Hans, I can't remember which." Martha's eyes followed the Doctor's waggling fingers to where two identical twin men stood in the doorway. They were both blonde and wore multiple leis.

"It's bigger on the inside!" one of the twins slurred, looking with shock around the room. Most people had that reaction the first time they saw the TARDIS. Martha was glad that the TARDIS translated German since hers wasn't that good.

"Yeah!" the other concurred. "Herr Doctor, what is this place?"

"It's my TARDIS!" the Doctor answered joyfully. "This is my companion, Martha."

Martha waved at the two confused twins.

"Doctor," Martha said slowly. "Why are they here?"

"Oh, they left the party with...with me," the Doctor hiccuped. "Said they wanted to come back to my place. Not too sure why, but hey!" He hugged Martha tightly and she patted him sympathetically on the back. "The more the merrier, eh?"

"A woman!" the first twin chuckled and nudged the other. "Doctor, you didn't tell us you were bisexual!"

There was a long uncomfortable silence as the Doctor looked up from hugging Martha and glanced between the brothers, then Martha, and then himself. "Um...I'm not," he replied. "I'm into girls...mostly, yeah. Girls. Pretty sure it's girls this time around."

The crestfallen looks on the drunken twins' faces were so comical that Martha had to hold in her laughter. Jack suddenly appeared between the two and threw his arms around their shoulders. He was wearing a blue and orange lei. He hardly looked schnockered, unlike the others. "Hello, boys!" he called out. "There you are! I'll have to keep a better eye on you, sneaking off like that."

The second brother pouted and answered, "We followed your Doctor friend, only to find out that he's got a girlfriend."

The Doctor's jaw dropped and he giggled. "Martha? She's not my girlfriend! Nonono! She's my companion! S'different." He didn't catch the look of understanding and sympathy that Jack shot at Martha. She smiled a little at him in thanks.

"Doctor, that was one hell of a rendition of "Five Hundred Miles," Jack said and the Doctor grinned and hummed the tune. "I had no idea you could sing that well, and in a Scottish accent to boot! Anyway, we should probably get back to the party. I was just about to launch into the second half of _Phantom of the Opera_!"

"You make such a manly Raoul," the first brother purred. "It's so hot." They waved goodnight to the Doctor and Martha and headed off. Martha shut the door and turned to the Doctor. "Don't you think you ought to sober up now?"

The Doctor grinned at her. "Oh...yeah...well, I suppose. If you wanna be a party pooper, Martha."

"How much did you have?'

"Um..." he thought and then counted on his fingers. "One."

"One what?"

"One banana daiquiri."

"That's all?" she asked, surprised. "You drank one banana daiquiri and you're plastered? You really are a lightweight. One banana daiquiri and you come back with two gorgeous blonde gay twins for a threesome..."

"Oi!"

"Well, that's what they thought! Why else would they want to come home with you?"

"Like I'd ever!" the Doctor protested. "Those were Jack's fiancees! I thought they were just...just being friendly! Oh..." he crashed backwards into the console. "Yeah, you're right. I'm done being drunk now." He closed his eyes and shook his head, then jumped up and down in place a few times. When his eyes opened, Martha could see that his eyes were focused and lucid.

"Better?" she asked. A slow red blush crept up the Doctor's face as he quietly removed his Lennon glass, lei, buttoned up his shirt, and settled the tie from his forehead back around his neck.

"You have lipstick all over you," Martha told him, trying to be helpful. The Doctor cleared his throat and attempted to walk with dignity to the corridor. He paused at the entrance and turned to look back at her. "Martha..."

"Yes, Doctor?"

"I'd appreciate if you never, ever mentioned this again. To anyone."

"You got it, Doctor."

"Thank you."

Martha counted to one hundred before she collapsed against the central console, laughing hysterically.

* * *

"But that's not the best part," Jack told Donna. He fished around in his pocket for his phone and looked around. "_This _is the best part." He flipped his phone open. "I've got video."

He accessed the file and handed the phone to Donna. With growing amusement, Donna watched a very inebriated Doctor on a karaoke stage surrounded by a bunch of scantily clad males in Hawaiian shirts and short-shorts singing backup. Ianto was leaping up and down behind him, performing a killer air guitar. The Doctor's tie was around his forehead, just like Jack had told her and he wore silly sunglasses and a lei. He was wailing "Five Hundred Miles" for all he was worth into the microphone, jumping around the stage and marching in place to the chorus. His accent could only be described as Drunken Glaswegian and by the end of the video, Donna was crying with laughter at the image of her tall, skinny Doctor acting like a complete nutcase.

She handed the phone back to Jack, who grinned at her and said, "And now you know why the Doctor won't go to any more of my stag parties."

* * *

The Doctor was in a much better mood in the morning. It was amazing what a shower and a good night's sleep did for one's attitude. He entered the control room, smiling broadly at his two companions who were already there. Jack was tinkering with an electronic device and Donna was reading a magazine and humming to herself. "'Morning!" he called.

"Good morning, Doctor," Jack and Donna both answered.

"So where are we..." The Doctor stopped in his tracks and looked at Donna. The tune she was humming was "Five Hundred Miles."

"What?" she asked with a straight face. "Don't you like The Proclaimers, Doctor? I think they're terrific." Her reply sounded innocent. The Doctor shot a quick glance at Jack, which confirmed it was anything but. The captain had put one hand over his mouth to hide his smile, but his shoulders were shaking in laughter.

It's always dangerous to be on the wrong side of a Time Lord, especially one who is in a good mood and has a twisted sense of humor. "I prefer Mozart or the Beatles when it comes to earth music, Donna. Anyway, time we should be moving on to our next destination," the Doctor said cheerily, entering coordinates into the console controls. "Yelinatz Prime should do nicely. Haven't been there in ages!"

"What's so special about Yelinatz?" asked Donna.

"Oh, lots!" the Doctor replied. "Gorgeous beaches, lovely architecture, three moons..." _Marriage is mandatory for all human beings of age, including visitors. Ginger brides are exceedingly rare and there's fierce competition to win their hand, not that Jack would ever let anyone touch Donna. That should keep the two of them busy and teach them a lesson while I have a good look around for their wedding present._ The Doctor smiled benevolently at the two of them as he pulled levers. "Off we go!"


End file.
